如何讓例子更具體？ by J2 - 英檢

各位同學好，我是J2TOEFL創辦人/ SK2實力養成班顧問J2.

看好文章仿寫是寫作文進步的一個不錯的方式，但是在仿寫之前，同學要有
辦法能說出文章好在哪裡，仿寫才會更有方向。

底下分享一位同學的獨立寫作，整體來說理由明確、例子具體生動，很適合
同學作仿寫練習喔！

建議同學看此範文的時候，先想一下各段「好在哪裡？」，再看底下我的分
析。

題目是：A/D: The most important investment that can be made to the
education of children aged four to seven is giving them a
computer.

同學範文：
People often possess different perspectives on whether to provide
a computer to educate children aged four to seven. Based on my
personal experience and observation of life, I strongly argue that
children will benefit more without having a computer.

First of all, it is important for children to maintain their
curiosity, and computers will harm their curiosity. For example,
children at age around four to seven always have thousands of
questions in their heads about the living environment nearby. To
be more specific, they are extremely curious, so they use their
five senses to understand the world, such as touching fluffy
animals, distinguishing different species of flora by smelling,
hearing the sound from the seashell, and so on. As a result, those
unprecedented and unexpected new experiences will maintain their
curiosity about the world. On the contrary, if parents give a
laptop to their children, then they could only figure out the
knowledge via a screen. That is, they can merely watch animals
running on a meadow in videos or listen to the sound of the sea
through headphones. As a result, they will not interest in the
world anymore.

●主題句「維持好奇心對小孩來說是很重要的」，對應到的例子有用五感
來認識這世界，像是touching fluffy animals, distinguishing
different species of flora by smelling, hearing the sound from the
seashell, and so on, 都是很好很具體的例子。
●反例也有提到如果是電腦的話，只能看到影片裡的動物在跑是或聽海的
聲音，比較難維持好奇心，也是很好很具體的例子。
●word choice: harm their curiosity 應該成 hinder their
curiosity，google查沒有harm curiosity的用法。

Secondly, children place emphasis on their imagination, but having
a computer decreases their imagination. For example, when a child
faces some difficult problems, they would solve the problems with
a vivid imagination. To be more specific, if you ask them how the
dinosaur demise on the Earth, they will give you a lot of surreal
stories, illogical answers, even providing new perspectives that
adults have never thought before. As a result, children perform
better at the subjects of Design and Creativity of Art due to
their ability of imagination. In contrast, if children are allowed
to use a laptop, when they face the same problems, they will
directly search for answers on the Internet. Apparently, having a
computer damages their ability of imagination.

●要發展「小孩子是充滿想像力的」這個部分，這裡用了surreal
stories, illogical answers, even providing new perspectives that
adults have never thought before 很多例子來說明、發展小孩子是很有
想像力的這件事，很具體。
●反例也直接解釋「為何有了電腦就會扼殺小孩的想像力」，用直接搜尋
答案來說明。
●word choice: decrease imagination 改成 make children less
imaginative 會比較好。

Last but not least, it is important for children to interact with
people, but a computer declines the opportunity to interact with
people. Take myself as an example again. 25 years ago, I was born
in a generation without the convenient Internet. That is, I spent
my childhood with my grandparents, parents, and school classmates.
To be more specific, my parents took me to mountain climbing,
camping on the beach for a week and I participated in sports
activities with classmates after school. As a result, my childhood
was full of wonderful memories with my family and friends. On the
contrary, 6 years ago, my sister’s daughter was born. My sister
bought her daughter an iPad. Obviously, her daughter is playing
online games and watching Youtube videos all the time. Therefore,
she doesn’t know how to properly interact with people.

●舉了很多mountain climbing, camping on the beach for a week and
I participated in sports activities with classmates after school是
很好的發展方式。
●可惜的地方是As a result這句，同學寫的是因此童年充滿很多美好的
回憶，但這樣就沒有呼應到主題句「跟人多互動」。應該改成「因此我跟家
人朋友有很多互動」比較好。
●word choice: declines the opportunity應改成decreases the
opportunity

In conclusion, I disagree that providing a computer is the most
important investment to educate a child. After all, children are
curious, imaginative, and should interact with people.

彼此多看文章是寫作很好的練習，只要能明確指出好的地方在哪，
不好的地方如何改正，也是讓作文進步不可或缺的因素！

Cheers,
J2
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