寫作滿分的關鍵祕密：學會辨識低分例子 - 英檢

大家好，我是SK2的Rosa，今天想跟大家分享什麼是好的例子，什麼是不好
的例子。

當我們在練習托福寫作時，都知道例子很重要，決定分數高低的往往是中間
段落的例子，但是我們對於好例子與壞例子的定義卻十分模糊。
以下我根據每個禮拜改大約80篇作文的經驗，統整出同學最常在例子裡面犯
的寫作錯誤。

假如你看得出來以下這些例子的問題，代表你準備好去考試囉！

建議先學會如何審題以及寫例子，再看這篇文章，效果會更好。

1. 寫清楚的主題句
請看這篇“你知道90%的同學，寫作都會離題嗎？”
http://sk2toefl.blogspot.tw/2010/05/90.html

2. 了解如何透過WordBank寫出有說服力的例子
請看這篇“明明寫得很順，為什麼作文分數不高呢？”
http://sk2toefl.blogspot.tw/2012/01/blog-post.html


接下來，請閱讀每個例子，並且思考哪裏有問題，可以把問題紀錄下來，再
看講解。

為了方便比較，每個例子都是在討論同個題目：
Do you agree that telephones play a more effective role than
television in people’s lives?


問題一：First of all, people want to communicate effectively, and
telephones can help them do so. For instance, television is a
passive tool, allowing people to receive information. That is, people
clearly can not talk to others or share opinions through TV. On
the other hand, when I want to express my love towards my mom, I
can grab my phone and give her a quick call. Furthermore, if I
encountered an emergency and couldn’t make it to dinner, I can
simply take a rain check via my telephone. Apparently, television
is not as effective as telephones when it comes to communication.

問題二：First of all, people want to communicate effectively,
and telephones can help them do so. For instance, when I want to
express my love towards my mom, I can grab my phone and give her a
quick call. Furthermore, telephones are also useful tools for
finding information, such as the location of a particular
restaurant. After finding the restaurant, if I encountered an
emergency and couldn’t make it to dinner, I can simply take a
rain check via my telephone. Apparently, telephones play a much
more effective role in people’s lives.

問題三：First of all, people want to communicate effectively, and
telephones can help them do so. For instance, when I want to
express my love towards my mom, I can grab my phone and
communicate directly with her. Furthermore, if I encountered an
emergency and couldn’t make it to dinner, I can simply
communicate with my friend via my telephone. On the other hand,
people cannot communicate any ideas through the television.
Apparently, telephones play a much more effective role in people’
s lives.


問題四：First of all, before telephone was invented, people were only able
to send their messages by writing letters or telegrams. Telephone
represents an innovative communication method which delivers our
messages vocally to places miles away within moments. For
instance, I can call my relatives who live in the states whenever
I wish. To be more specific, I do not need to wait for the postman
to deliver my letters nor do I need to worry about the risk of my
letters getting lost through the process. Clearly, telephones are
extremely effective tools for communication.

問題五：First of all, telephone has its strength of interpersonal
communication, and with the popularity of smart phones and the
internet, telephones nowadays has undoubtedly become more and more
influential. For instance, people carry their phones with them all
day long. The first thing people do each morning is to check their
phones for new messages. Also, they use them for practically
everything. Apparently, telephones are much more influential than
television nowadays.

以下我們來檢視每個例子的問題。

問題一：例子順序顛倒

這是最近同學很常犯的問題，尤其是在考試時比較慌張的情況下更容易犯這
個問題。記得，例子要承接主題句。因此，主題句的主題是什麼，例子就要
先講什麼。同學可以用兩種顏色的螢光筆畫畫看以下這個例子（telephone
用一個顏色，television用另一個顏色），就能夠體會這個問題。

First of all, people want to communicate effectively, and
telephones can help them do so. For instance, television is a
passive tool, allowing people to receive information. That is, people
clearly can not talk to others or share opinions through TV. On
the other hand, when I want to express my love towards my mom, I
can grab my phone and give her a quick call. Furthermore, if I
encountered an emergency and couldn’t make it to dinner, I can
simply take a rain check via my telephone. Apparently, television
is not as effective as telephones when it comes to communication.

應該改成：
First of all, people want to communicate effectively, and
telephones can help them do so. For instance, when I want to
express my love towards my mom, I can grab my phone and give her a
quick call. Furthermore, if I encountered an emergency and couldn
’t make it to dinner, I can simply take a rain check via my
telephone. On the other hand, television is a passive tool,
allowing people to receive information. That is, people clearly can
not talk to others or share opinions through TV. Apparently,
television is not as effective as telephones when it comes to
communication.


問題二：例子發散

這也是同學常犯的問題，尤其是剛開始練習獨立寫作的新手。同學常常會在
例子裡面講到兩三個概念，比如：budget, reputation, function。注意，
整個例子只能夠圍繞著一個概念，也就是在主題句裡面提過的概念。如果你
想講別的概念，就放在下一個段落，否則例子就會發散。

First of all, people want to communicate effectively, and
telephones can help them do so. For instance, when I want to
express my love towards my mom, I can grab my phone and give her a
quick call. Furthermore, telephones are also useful tools for
finding information, such as the location of a particular
restaurant. After finding the restaurant, if I encountered an
emergency and couldn’t make it to dinner, I can simply take a
rain check via my telephone. Apparently, telephones play a much
more effective role in people’s lives.

整段都在講communication，就專心談communication，把useful的概念放在
下一個段落。把發散的那句話拿掉，就是好的例子。

First of all, people want to communicate effectively, and
telephones can help them do so. For instance, when I want to
express my love towards my mom, I can grab my phone and give her a
quick call. Furthermore, if I encountered an emergency and couldn
’t make it to dinner, I can simply take a rain check via my
telephone. Apparently, telephones play a much more effective role
in people’s lives.

問題三：沒解釋到

既然說例子裡面要重複主題句的概念，同學常誤以為例子重複主題句相同的
字眼就對了，但是這樣例子沒有解釋到。

First of all, people want to communicate effectively, and
telephones can help them do so. For instance, when I want to
express my love towards my mom, I can grab my phone and
communicate directly with her. Furthermore, if I encountered an
emergency and couldn’t make it to dinner, I can simply
communicate with my friend via my telephone. On the other hand,
people cannot communicate any ideas through the television.
Apparently, telephones play a much more effective role in people’
s lives.


其實，例子應該是要深入談主題句的概念。因此，把主題句的general idea
變成specific details，再放入例子，才會有說服力。
比如：communication-express my love, notify friends, exchange
opinions

可改成：First of all, people want to communicate effectively, and
telephones can help them do so. For instance, when I want to
express my love towards my mom, I can grab my phone and tell her.
Furthermore, if I encountered an emergency and couldn’t make it
to dinner, I can simply notify my friend via my telephone. On the
other hand, people cannot exchange any opinion through the
television. Apparently, telephones play a much more effective role
in people’s lives.

不會發展Wordbank嗎？Wordbank適用於口說與寫作發展例子。
請看我的夥伴SK2 David的這篇文章：
口說一二題如何發展例子：Word Bank
http://sk2toefl.blogspot.tw/p/david_20.html


問題四：中文思維

同學常用中文思維寫英文作文，注重起、承、轉、合。但是在英文裡面，對
方只注重整段談同一個概念，因此當我們在鋪陳時，外國人會看不懂，會被
視為無關。在寫英文作文時，要先把結論放在第一句話—也就是主題句，其
他的details, explanations, examples放例子。

First of all, before telephone was invented, people were only able
to send their messages by writing letters or telegrams. Telephone
represents an innovative communication method which delivers our
messages vocally to places miles away within moments. For
instance, I can call my relatives who live in the states whenever
I wish. I do not need to wait for the postman to deliver my
letters nor do I need to worry about the risk of my letters
getting lost through the process. Clearly, telephones are
extremely effective tools for communication.


可改成：
First of all, telephone represents an innovative communication
method which delivers our messages vocally to places miles away
within moments. For instance, I can call my relatives who live in
the states whenever I wish. I do not need to wait for the postman
to deliver my letters nor do I need to worry about the risk of my
letters getting lost through the process. Clearly, telephones are
extremely effective tools for communication.


問題五：主題句太複雜

同學常常在寫第一句話時，會想講太多。其實主題句的功能是讓讀者了解例
子圍繞什麼概念。因此，建議同學主題句談一個概念就好，而且盡量越簡單
越好。畢竟，評分官一天要在八小時內看完兩百多份的作文，並打分數。因
此，實際上，看一篇作文的時間可能最多才兩分多鐘。這意味著，當他看不
懂主題句時，很可能不會花時間重新看一遍，而是直接看例子，那麼他看懂
例子的機率就降低了。記得，主題句盡量簡單且清楚。所謂簡單，是指談一
個概念。所謂清楚，是指讓對方在讀第一遍時就懂，叫做清楚。

First of all, telephone has its strength of interpersonal
communication, and with the popularity of smart phones and the
internet, telephones nowadays has undoubtedly become more and more
influential. For instance, people carry their phones with them all
day long. The first thing people do each morning is to check their
phones for new messages. Also, they use them for practically
everything. Apparently, telephones are much more influential than
television nowadays.


可改成：First of all, telephones nowadays has undoubtedly become
more and more influential. For instance, people carry their phones
with them all day long. The first thing people do each morning is
to check their phones for new messages. Also, they use them for
practically everything. Apparently, telephones are much more
influential than television nowadays.

看完了這五個例子的問題，讓我做個總結，
作文五大常見低分例子為：

問題一：例子順序顛倒
問題二：例子發散
問題三：沒解釋到
問題四：中文思維
問題五：主題句太複雜

接下來，我們來談談要如何分辨好的例子以及壞的例子呢？
畫線就是一個很好的工具。

為什麼要學會畫線呢？

畫線有兩種很重要的功能：

一、自我檢驗：我們常常不知道自己寫的作文好不好，甚至拿到托福成績單
時，會覺得無法理解，內心os:“我打了500多字，還使用很多GRE的單字，
怎麼會給我21分呢？” 此時，畫線就是很客觀能夠自我檢驗的工具。將作
文畫完線後，你能夠立即明白哪個段落切題，哪個段落完全離題了。

二、模仿高分作文的邏輯：很多時候，同學看別人作文時，看不出什麼差
別。“這篇作文跟我寫得差不多嘛！字數還比我少，單字也沒有這麼好，甚
至有文法錯，怎麼會拿30分呢？ㄍㄥˋ！”此時，透過畫線，你能夠比較兩
篇文章的邏輯哪裏不同，透過比較、思考並且模仿，一步步接近並習慣高分
作文的邏輯。

那到底要怎麼畫線呢？

其實畫線很簡單，看到相同的概念，就畫線。也就是說不論是正例反例，只
要談到相同的概念，便畫線。想像一下，評分官閱讀文章時，會在每句話裡
面找相同的概念，當看到段落中有很多相同的概念時，就會打上高分。不只
是評分官，就連ETS使用的電腦閱卷方式，也是透過大量的資料庫，分析你
在整篇文章裡面是否談到相同的概念，藉此判斷你切題的程度。因此，當我
們畫線時，我們在學習評分官如何改作文。

以這個段落為例，試著畫線吧！（可以複製貼上到其他紙）

First of all, people want to communicate effectively, and
telephones can help them do so. For instance, when I want to
express my love towards my mom, I can grab my phone and give her a
quick call. Furthermore, if I encountered an emergency and couldn
’t make it to dinner, I can simply take a rain check via my
telephone. On the other hand, television is a passive tool,
allowing people to receive information. That is, people clearly can
not talk to others or share opinions through TV. Apparently,
television is not as effective as telephones when it comes to
communication.

這個段落要怎麼畫線呢？

First of all, people want to communicate effectively, and
telephones can help them do so. For instance, when I want to
express my love towards my mom, I can grab my phone and give her a
quick call. Furthermore, if I encountered an emergency and couldn
’t make it to dinner, I can simply take a rain check via my
telephone. On the other hand, television is a passive tool,
allowing people to receive information. That is, people clearly can
not talk to others or share opinions through TV. Apparently,
television is not as effective as telephones when it comes to
communication.



因此，所謂的好例子，是指切題的段落，意即可以在每一句話都畫到相同概
念。當你三個段落都可以這麼穩定，畫到一堆線，自然就能夠到28分，甚至
30分囉！寫作其實是四科裡面最好拿分的一科，只要了解評分官的思維，知
道什麼樣的作文會高分，並且用畫線模仿邏輯，自然能夠朝滿分邁進！祝同
學寫作都能夠破28分！;D

Cheers,
SK2 Rosa ^ ____ ^

--